MY RECENT BLACK MOLD EXPOSURE
I was planning to write about my physical health at some point, but since it has taken a wee dip, it makes sense to touch on it now. Though my physical health is better than it was 8 years ago, I still have weeks when it is difficult to function like a ‘normal’ person. I generally try to keep this to myself, or don’t stream if it’s too much.
I’m feeling better now, but was extremely frustrated by how weak I was this past week.
HOW IT STARTED
In 2018, I unwittingly moved into a black mold infested apartment, and within 3 months I was bedridden. My health wasn’t great to begin with, but the mold in that building pushed my body over the edge. I was not diagnosed, but I had developed debilitating autoimmune-like symptoms. My doctor told me, on multiple occasions, I was just depressed.
Apparently I had constant migraines, was puking blood, my body ached as if I had done intense weightlifting, and was so fatigued I felt like I was dying, because I was depressed. I’ll go into all of that in another post. It took years, but my symptoms significantly reduced, and I did it without my doctor’s help. Unfortunately, I'm having a flare-up, and the part that really churns my moldy butter is that it’s my fault…
HOW IS THIS MY VAULT?
Well… I’m not sure of the exact time, because everything blurs together. But some weeks ago I decided to deep-clean, do a little downsizing and organize while I had the energy. Things were going great; I was organizing my clothing, going through my art closet, wiping shit down, and getting in all the nooks and crannies. That was until I was disappointed to discover black mold in the top corner of one of my closets.
MOLD…
A healthy patch, big chilling. Just out of sight, doing its thing. Low-key minding its own business, but I’m not knowingly bunking it up with black mold ever again, especially not rent-free. What really got me fucked up was the audacity to get all cozy and start secretly contaminating my ARTS AND CRAFTS CLOSET. That is just a whole new level of disrespect. I’m not even shocked though; just mildly infuriated. :)
Because I am blessed to live in a beautiful rainforest, mold is essentially unavoidable, especially in an older house like the one I inhabit. Normally, the delicious dry heat of a wood-burning fireplace would keep the mold at bay during our wet and winter seasons. Lucky us, our fireplace has been out of commission for some years now. So the mold wasn’t a surprise, just extremely upsetting... because of my precious art supplies… and my health too… of course.
THIS IS WHERE I FUCKED UP …
I knew better, but my impulsive ass impulsively cleaned it… I was panicking and did not think things over. I followed the instructions on a mold killing spray and murdered it to the best of my ability. But did I wear a mask or any protective gear? Nope. I’m super strong AND super smart. I was also feeling super determined. So naturally, after murdering the mold, I went back to deep cleaning.
A few of my binders and other items in my craft closet had already been visually contaminated and needed to be disposed of right away. Other than feeling a little weirdy, and getting itchy and overstimulated by my hair touching my skin, things were flowing. I was feeling pretty good about raw dogging black mold and only feeling a little not awesome. I cleaned for maybe another hour, until I felt too sleepy to keep going. I laid down intending to get back to cleaning the next day, but for some reason that didn’t happen.
I MIGHT BE STUBBORN AND DELUSIONAL, BUT I AM NOT INSANE.
At the moment of first contact, I knew this mold specimen did a little ‘something something’ to me, but I went to bed and carried on with business as usual. Just feeling significantly shittier than normal. The following weeks, my symptoms worsened, and I did what I do with most unpleasant experiences: forgot the mold.
I ASSUMED MY TROUBLESOME CYCLE WAS TO BLAME FOR MY WORSENING STATE.
It isn't out of the ordinary for the autoimmune-like symptoms to act up during my cycle. I’ve gotten better at, albeit reluctantly, letting myself take a quick +4 hour nap when my body starts ‘acting out’. But these ‘naps’ were different, and hardly voluntary. I was unable to do anything but be horizontal and/or unconscious, and when I could get vertical again, my body ached. You would think I’d clue in after consuming an energy drink and still needing to go lay down, or when I’d take painkillers and still be aching like I've been endurance training. You would think all of that would be enough to help me clue in that it’s more than just a bad menstrual cycle. Nope, and what clued me in was high-key gross.
WHAT CLUED ME IN WAS HIGH-HEY GROSS.
In hindsight, it’s pretty clear how this happened, and I'm trying not to be pissed off at myself (I am). I started coughing up nearly black “stuff” a couple of days after raw dogging the black mold. I was attributing this dark “lung butter” to being off cigarettes for about 2 years, after being addicted for 20+.
What’s really gross is when I was deep in my cigarette addiction, at a pack a day, I never coughed up anything this dark. I KNOW IT'S SO GROSS. Even when I was smoking Benson & Hedges Black, which people called “The Black Death” because it would have you coughing up dark stuff. SO NASTY. But the stuff I was coughing up was A LOT darker than that… like almost black. Yum.
Well, after consulting my oracle (Google), it told me that after 2 years of being off cigarettes I shouldn’t be coughing up cigarette tar anymore, so I'm likely coughing up other stuff ( weed ‘lung butter’ isn't black). Then my oracle told me that a cause of ‘black’ phlegm can be black motherfucking mold. BING BONG. Word for word it said that, on gawd.
BING BONG.
Since cleaning the black mold with my lungs, I wasn’t doing any housework, dragging through work, and taking time off stream because I was deeply exhausted; I just didn’t realize why. Everything was stuck in the ‘pre-mold-discovery’ chaos of deep cleaning and organizing. Because I somehow forgot I inhaled mold, I'd been feeling like a lazy yet exhausted piece of shit. Blaming my body for being weak, and feeling depressed that I can’t do the things and stuff I need to do. Once I realized it was the mold though, and I’m not just weak and decomposing, I felt way less defeated.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
I am in significantly less pain and am no longer coughing up ‘black stuff’… still sleepy, but energy drinks actually help. AND I am proud to say that since caffeine did nothing and pain was inevitable, I decided to take this opportunity to decrease my caffeine intake. No more +60oz of coffee a day, or drinking coffee before bed…or even after 2 pm. (We will see how long this lasts.)
My physical and mental health have held me back from many things, including hanging out on stream, but I try not to talk about or let it show too much while interacting with other humans. But I want to be more open about what I’m going through. So, if you’ve taken the time to read all of this, thank you. Your time is valuable, and I appreciate you sharing it with me.
Sincerely, Your moldy homie,
Moon
